PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Happy thanksgiving
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit