My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u