I’m half potato on my dad’s side
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are