This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
NASA has no chill
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.