*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.