Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!