him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
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[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
finally found a reasonable question
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
LA today:
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.