I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
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Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.