Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
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Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
yeet
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund