My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
This is true.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
As the best book lists of 2021 drop