Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I would move hell over six inches for you
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.