Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
car not found