My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.