Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Holy moly
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now