Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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mmm onion ringos
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
This is a sub tweet
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!