Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
greetings!
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist