OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW