NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Every damn time
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s