There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*