[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Guys, I found it.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.