I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
when dads have a rap battle
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Raisins are grape jerky.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
some Old Testament wisdom
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies