A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?