(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Wise advice
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.