Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
The Compass
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER