Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I think this cat is broken
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.