[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.