HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
You Might Also Like
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*