Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
New Tinder profile.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*