My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
You Might Also Like
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial