HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
#CoronaOutbreak
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.