describing stardew valley
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My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face