[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.