A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
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I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes