The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Potatoes were such a good idea
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight