Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad