I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.