I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!