nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
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I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
*skinny dips into black hole
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”