No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*