Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
You Might Also Like
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead