Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
decorating my apartment
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.