Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila