She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now