[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people