Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*