I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.