God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
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I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”