“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
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Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Steam Forums
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!