Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
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If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My love language is deader than Latin
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
ouch
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
incredible book dedication