Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.